Versace Crystal Noir

Cheap blackcurrant and vanilla sweeties that have been in the back of a cupboard too long and have gone sticky. Sickening.

This smells almost identical to a Sex and the City fragrance called 'Lust' that one can pick up for a very reasonable price in a shop in Girvan. How do I know this? A few years ago ma mere bought a bottle of this for a youngster as a Christmas gift. She did not realise it had the word LUST written on it and was promptly mortified so she gifted it to me as I was worldly wise enough to handle the connotations. I remember the smell well (haunting).

I've done a bit of research and discovered the Versace scent was released in 2004 and the SATC scent in 2006. So at least Versace were not paying homage to the SATC creation. Still one can't help wondering what Gianni would think...

We have written a letter.

34 Boulevard Saint Germain

The first time I tried 34 Boulevard St Germain was in December at Space NK in Princes Square while I was taking an indulgent rest from the anxiety of Christmas shopping. I remember the experience vividly as I wasn't quite sure what I was smelling. I was being hit by different notes in quick succession,my eyes darting wildly from side to side as my brain struggled to interpret each individual scent. Grapefruit, blackcurrant, fig leaf (for a fleeting moment it becomes Philosykos) then flowers reveal themselves, hints of tuberose, rose and geranium. All of these lovely notes resting on a deep, woody, resinous base. I didn't know what to think as I stood there sniffing away at the smelling strip. There was simply too much to take in so as soon as the sales person turned her back I doused myself in it, snood and all.

Next I wandered round the rest of Princes Square feeling rather wonderful in my cape of 34, becoming more and more enamoured with each deep inhale of the rich woody vapour, unable to concentrate on anything else.

I left the warmth of the shopping centre for the crowds and drizzle on Buchanan street. Looking at the crushed expressions of other Christmas consumers I decided to abandon my task and do it at home online. My ambitions may have been thwarted but my spirits were far from broken. I had found a new fragrance that I liked.Very much. 

By the time I was on the train home the perfume had dried down and I reached a zen like state.

After that there was no going back. It has become a wardrobe staple for le half-pug et moi. Goes with anything, would suit anyone (man or beast), any time of any day. Contemporary, chic and unusual.

The concept behind 34 is that it is a representation and celebration of the perfumes that waft out to meet you as you enter the Diptyque store that resides at...yes, you guessed 34 Boulevard St Germain. I wonder if they allow dogs?

Chloe eau de parfum

Rose, I've never really been a huge fan of the smell. Perhaps it is too reminiscent of disappointing childhood mornings when my hopeful hands would anxiously prise open the lid of a jam jar that the day before I had crammed full of stolen rose petals and water.

My young mind would be aflame with anticipation, my stomach giddy with excitement. I would have slept fitfully the previous night dreaming of the rich floral elixir that was transmuting downstairs on the kitchen worktop. Science and magic working a perfumed spell.

Of course, the result was always the same. Instead of discovering Geurlain's next big seller my naive efforts would instead be rewarded with a scum of deceased greenfly floating on a bed of slimy brown petals and the faint aroma of dank dead roses.

The chloe EDP is thankfully a better creation. It opens with a big bold floral hit, Rose being by far the strongest and most detectable flower, shouting over the peony and freesia notes. As soon as it warms on the skin it is instantly sweetened by a strong dose of honey. This is an interesting and pleasant stage but it barely lasts fives minutes before settling down into a what I can only describe as a boring, generic, saccharin rose fragrance. 

I loved the original adverts and really hoped I'd like this. I can't really see Chloe Sveigny wearing this, unless she is wearing it ironically, of course. 

When I proffered my wrist to le half-pug, she turned her head away. I knew what she was thinking, 'Eau de pensioner'. Stick to Yardley.

Breath Of God

What were they thinking? Breath of God, by Lush, the opposite of smelling salts! It could actually make you faint upon ingestion. I have given it a few chances, spraying it at different times of the day on different days of the week and have come to the conclusion that Tania Sanchez who gave this a five star review in 'Perfumes, the A-Z Guide' is a contrarian! 

taunting the poor half- pug

This smells as if you are wearing an oily old crash helmet that you found lying next to some decaying tyres while you endure a heavily incensed good Friday mass, having had melon for breakfast.

Hangover inducing. No, not the type of Easter bonnet I should like to adorn. Quick open all the windows and fling wide the doors, Le half-pug's gone limp!

Giorgio of Beverly Hills

People often ask me if dogs smell. 'Of course they do. Have a whiff of this one', I will say nodding towards le half-pug. Fearing the worst they take a cautious little sniff then look up confused, 'Giorgio?', 

'Yes', I reply, 'But only every second Wednesday' 

Giorgio of Beverly Hills, the indisputable Eau de Eighties.   
                                                         
It is no coincidence that scent triggers memories. There is a very strong neural connection between the olfactory system and the centre of the brain where memories are stored. This would explain why after one deep inhale of the unmistakable, yellow behemoth of eighties power perfumes (the scent of my youth, the first fragrance I ever bought myself) I find myself hurtling through a perfumed portal inside a fragrant DeLorean travelling through space and time straight back to 1987.

An opening slap of bergamot and peaches finds me rifling through the albums in Virgin on Union street. I am wearing a wide brimmed black felt hat and secretly flexing my abdominal muscles like Callan Pickney taught me. I am looking for 'Parade' by Prince. I find it. I am in love with Prince.

Wham! I am whacked around the head with an enormous tuberose and something chemical, almost industrial. I am now in the doorway of a Glasgow nightclub, Joe Paparazzi, putting on a cat mask handed to me by Steve Strange. He has employed me to dance at his club night. It is called Kick because he has 'kicked' his habit. Looking at his smudged eyeliner and listening to his slurred speech I am unconvinced. Never mind. He might know Prince. 

The mood changes and calms; musk, sandalwood, vanilla but always the tuberose the ever present, boisterous tuberose. It radiates from me, pushed outwards from the adrenalin in my body as I scale the lighting rig in Joe Papaparazzi wearing my feline disguise. The vapor is almost visible to the eye, a man-made aurora, an atmospheric phenomenon. I stand on top of a gigantic pulsing speaker and survey the crowd below. It is a Thursday night at eleven o'clock. They all have to work tomorrow but are already drunk. A familiar guitar riff rips from the speaker followed by a bass line that pulses through my entire being throwing my arms up in the air. The floor floods with bodies. A cloud of condensed Giorgio rises up from the crowd to join mine. We dance, one immense, pulsating odorous, beast as Prince sings Kiss.

It was amazing. It was the eighties. You got paid to dance. You could fearlessly binge drink on a Thursday because you were young enough to ride out even the most brutal hangover.You didn't have to watch Dynasty to have an attitude but you did absolutely have to wear Giorgio.


I've never found a perfume since that I love as much as I loved Giorgio. I've never found a pop star since that I love as much as I loved Prince. I've been on the double rebound since then.

Were you a Giorgio fan, or was it more a case of Giorgio of Mary Hill for you?

Diptyque Philosykos

This month we are searching for the perfect fig fragrance as a distraction from this frightful weather, so imagine our delight when this arrived courtesy of parcelforce, courtesy of selfridges having 20% off, courtesy of us to ourselves. 

The first thing which must be mentioned when reviewing a Diptyque product is the absolute triumph that is the branding and the packaging. The perfect simplicity of black ink on smooth white card and the iconic artful oval label is a joy to behold. Embedded in the collective psyche of consumers the world over is that very desirable things are concealed in clean, quiet monochrome boxes (Chanel, iphones, Macbooks...Chanel) 

Another big selling point for us is that Diptyque, though well known, especially for candles, is not a massive powerhouse in the world of perfume. We are not aware of them advertising in any of the glossies or anywhere for that matter (though please feel free to correct us if we are wrong. Shockingly and shallow as we are, we don't read that many magazines.) For us Diptyque still feels just a little bit special, a tiny bit off the well trodden path down Buchanan Street to the ground floor of Frasers.

Philosykos itself is beautiful. A literal translation of the fig tree in all it's green, ripe, creamy, woody allure. When first sprayed you are hit with fresh green notes of crushed fig leaves and juniper which lead into bark and snapped dry twigs. On dry down the fragrance mellows into a soft, comforting, milky, figgy haze. It is a gorgeous though somewhat brief dance through a fig orchard as the longevity is not great. To make the most of the EDT spray it on your clothing in you hair or through your fur. This is a go to comfort fragrance that we find perfect for lifting our failing spirits on these dreadful dark, wet winter days. Douse yourself in it and summon the sun soaked spirit of the mediterranean fig goddess before stepping out the door into sideways rain.
We really do adore this one. If only it lasted a little bit longer. EDP next time. Do you have a favourite fig fragrance? If not, what do you use to weather proof yourself? 
J and B